I moved to Washington state in 2005, and my first job in my new community was at a Macy’s department store at the Spokane Valley Mall.

Every day as I pulled into the mall parking lot, I’d pass a pop-up tent with a banner which read FREE ROCK CHIP REPAIR in big, bold letters, as a man in a dark polo waited for customers.

“Man,” I thought to myself as I drove by, shaking my head slightly, “People in this state must really love their rocks.”

As I passed by each day, I’d wonder what types of rocks people brought in and their reasons for doing so. Maybe it was a special rock their kid found, or maybe it was a large rock that really tied their landscaping together. Maybe it was a souvenir rock that they picked up on a vacation.

Each day, I’d park my car and forget all about it, until the next day when I drove by it again.

As the weeks and months passed, sometimes I’d wonder if they fixed grave markers, too.

“It’s a stone,” I’d wonder to myself, “and those occasionally get chipped or cracked. Would the FREE ROCK CHIP REPAIR man be able to fix those? Would he do house calls if the rocks were too big to move? Was that how he made his money, by giving away the first one for free?”

I’d park my car, forget all about it, and go about my business.

At some point, I started to question the why and the how. How were these rocks getting chipped? Was there really that many people that had chipped rocks that it justified an entire business to fixing them? Have I ever had a rock that I loved so much I’d be willing to have a chip fixed in it?

I’d park, forget, and move on.

I don’t know when it clicked. I don’t know if it happened while I was driving, or if a friend mentioned needing a repair, or if I saw a commercial, or what. But at some point, almost a full year after I started working at Macy’s, I figured it out.

They mean a FREE ROCK CHIP REPAIR for your windshield.

Oh, duh.

There weren’t hundreds of customers schlepping their garden rocks in, tears in their eyes as they expressed gratitude for repairing the small chips, proudly exclaiming to their friends and neighbors how they got their beloved rock fixed, signing up for lengthy appointments to get all their rock chips repaired, their faith in humanity restored.

It was for a windshield. Like, if a rock flies up on the highway and puts a chip in your windshield, you could take it there and they’d fix it…. I don’t know why I’m explaining what it means, as clearly everyone else already knows.

Obviously, this is hilarious and entirely obtuse on my part. I loved telling people about it (I’m proud of my self-deprecating humor), and they’d share their own overly literal interpretation of things. A notable mention is my former sister-in-law admitting that she thought for the longest time that Hawaii and Alaska were next to each other—because of the way they’re placed on a printed map. That somehow made me feel both better and worse.

That was twenty years ago, and I had another “Oh, duh” moment recently which I will share with you: If you want to receive reviews on Google for your business, you must add your business to Google.

I don’t know how I thought they got there, but I just thought the internet did internet things and I’d get reviews on my business, and it’d be neat to read all the amazing things people have to say about me. (What can I say—I like being liked.)

Nope, not the case.

So to all my other small business friends (particularly the ones who don’t have a physical store front), add your small business to Google! It’s super easy to get it going; just be sure to not display your home address (‘cause internet safety and all that). Your small business does not just magically appear on popular search engines, as the internet does not just do internet things.  

If you have your own FREE ROCK CHIP REPAIR scenario, please drop it in the comments so I can laugh at your expense--it's only fair since you already laughed at mine.